Life?

I pose this question... what is life? It is what I make it. Yes, that is true. I feel that my life is what I make it, either through deliberate choices or thoughtless actions. But sometimes it gets tiring being deliberate and I want to be less thoughtful. Then though, you reap what you sow. If I choose to be thoughtless, then I get what I get. But it is hard to be thoughtful and deliberate and careful all the time. I want to take and have taken a break, but then I feel that I land where the wind takes me.

Spiritually speaking, I am all out of sorts. Where I had once felt a strong faith, I feel questions and fear. Here I am in the last days of Lent and I find it hard to feel anything. I fear death, I fear making the wrong choices. I fear how I am viewed by others. I feel as though I am a decent human being but at the same time I feel as though I am selfish and in a sense child-like in my perception of how the world should treat me. And I also feel self-righteous... I find it easy to find fault with others. I have a hard time balancing having fun but still maintaining all that I need to be responsible for in each facet of my life.

I thought that I would be smarter as I grew older, have better answers or at the very least, some answers. I find that as I grow older that the questions become harder and that I know far less. I know a great deal about how things should go, but know far less about how to make things work out that way. Sometimes I think quite possibly that I could be the biggest moron in everything that I do, in all aspects of my life.

I feel that I can't do it all... that I am spent. Fortunately I have some time off coming, perhaps I can get straight in my mind. Maybe I need a change of scenery...