Punishment

I love to punish myself. What else should I do about something other than feel guilty? Without anxiety? That's my personality.

I will tell you that about three years ago, it was the darkest time I can ever remember in my life. It wasn't the result of any major incident. Rather one small one triggered about 18 months of blackness. It was terrible. I didn't eat. I became compulsive in my behaviors. I rarely slept. I was tired all the time. I did things to keep myself absorbed in anything but my reality. How awful. I went on for a long time thinking that I was a terrible person who deserved anything that came my way.

I don't understand how Dan was able to live with me or in that type of situation. I am not quite sure where I would be if he were not patient, resilient, thoughtful and loving.

I thought about that period of my life just the other day. It was only then that I realized what Dan had lived through and how it must have been awful. Not being able to help, not being the problem but not being able to solve it.

I am very fortunate to have Dan, but not only for the times that he has saved me.

We have a great deal of happy memories, things that wouldn't have been the same or possible without him.

Lots of firsts... first time to Canada, first NHL game, first new cars, first this, first that. A lot of "once in a lifetime" experiences too. The happy and exciting memories are wonderful and what I am choosing from now on to put in the forefront of my life, in any case, in any relationship.